


The Reluctant Babysitter

by toxic_corn



Category: Firefly
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, F/M, Humor, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 07:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5407565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxic_corn/pseuds/toxic_corn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone has to play nanny for a day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reluctant Babysitter

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://fluties-flake.livejournal.com/profile)[fluties_flake](http://fluties-flake.livejournal.com/) [ prompt at my Rayne request post](http://toxic-corn.livejournal.com/161529.html).

This was like the whole Heart of Gold/Nandi thing all over again. Mal had gotten them all involved in a fight that weren’t theirs to begin with and innocent folk had died. Among them was a nice enough young couple with an itty bitty baby. An itty bitty baby squalling in a bassinet across the room who wasn’t gonna let up until Jayne went bugshit bonkers.

 

Yep, just like the Heart of Gold. Only he wasn’t spending every second of his free time gettin’ sexed, sorry to say. ‘Course some jobs had their ups and downs, that was true enough. But this latest one was lookin’ to be one giant down.

 

“Doing it wrong.”

 

Startled out of glaring at the baby, Jayne whirled around to face River Tam standing in the doorway. She was the one sneakin’ up on folk but she had the gall to be givin’ him the evil eye.

 

“Shouldn’t you be off havin’ a fit somewhere? Somewhere _far away_ maybe?” Jayne snapped.

 

“Shouldn’t you be watching the baby?” she rejoined, raising her eyebrows. “Your turn, I heard the Captain say.”

 

Jayne pointed at the blubbering, mewling bundle of joy. “I am. He’s right there, see?!”

 

“He’s hungry,” she said severely and then made a face. “And he’s defecated.”

 

“He’s done no such- _ta ma de_!” The smell hit Jayne and he covered his mouth, gagging. Once in awhile it was his job to empty the septic vac but all the shit in the ‘verse was nowhere near as rank as what was squirtin’ out the kid’s hindquarters. What the hell had those folks been feeding the kid?

 

“He’ll need a diaper and then his bottle” River was saying, trying to prompt him into action.

 

Jayne nodded. “Right. You get the diaper and I’ll get the bottle. They have ‘em at the local tavern.” He started backing toward the door. “’Course, they’ll be all full o’ the hard stuff so I’ll have to empty ‘em out first for the little guy and that’ll take some time…”

 

“Telling,” River chirped. She walked over to the baby and jiggled one of his kicking feet. The kids squalls let up some but he continued to whine.

 

“Oh, what? Gonna run off and tell Mal that I ain’t doin’ my job? He's not gonna be surprised; babysittin’ wasn’t in the job description.”

 

River shook her head. “No. Telling everyone you’re afraid.”

 

Jayne bristled. “I ain’t afraid of nothin’, little girl!”

 

“Anything. And you’re afraid of a little baby.” She smiled brightly. “The big bad merc fears the tiny infant. Simon will enjoy this.”

 

The thought of the smirking doctor stuck in Jayne’s craw and he squared his shoulders and marched back to the table, planting his hands on his hips. “Fine. I’ll do the diaper and you get the food.”

 

She blinked. “Not my job.”

 

“You’re helpin’.”

 

“No I’m not!”

 

“You’re helpin’ or I’m tellin’ your brother that you haven’t been takin’ your meds the whole time we’ve been here.”

 

“I have too!”

 

“He don’t know that now does he?”

 

River stamped her bare foot, scowling. She looked like a big, childish brat but Jayne was surprised by the thought that came to him unbidden. _She’s kinda cute._ Maybe cuz she’d actually washed and brushed her hair that week. “I can’t feed the baby!”

 

“Sure you can! It was so damn easy when you were telling’ _me_ to do it!”

 

“I’m not lactating!”

 

“Lac- Oh son of a bitch! Just get the damn bottle out of the fridge and quit tryin’ to make me spew!” When she turned to do just that, Jayne glared down at the baby. “That’s your job, ain’t it? Well, let’s see what we got here…” He lifted the child gingerly out of the bassinet and spread a blanket across the table so the little rugrat didn’t have to rest on its cold surface. Then after debating with himself for a moment, he undid the baby’s diaper pins and let the bit of cloth fall open.

 

River appeared at his side with the bottle and a canvas bag over her shoulder. “Wipes and diapers are in here.”

 

“I know that,” Jayne snapped, eyes watering from the diaper smell. The kid wasn’t even on solids yet; why was it smelling so bad? And why didn’t the girl look phased by it at all? He balled up the messy diaper and set it aside. “Don’t even know why we’re all playin’ nanny anyhow. Folks get killed on account o’ us all the damn time, what made those two so gorram special?”

 

“This one,” River answered, holding a finger out to the baby. His little fingers curled around it and he sniffled, his waterworks seeming to plug up for the time being. “An orphaned child all alone in the ‘verse. The captain will find next of kin to look after him and then we can leave.”

 

Jayne snorted, grabbing the wipes. “He better. Nothin’ worse than an unpaid job.” He finished cleaning the kid up and then took the clean diaper River handed to him and pinned it up nice and neat. It was a wonder he hadn’t poked the kid with all the wriggling he was doing now.

 

“Bottle.” She handed it to him and Jayne shook his head. “Go heat it up.”

 

Looking cross, River fiddled around at the stove, heating up hot water and setting the bottle in the pot. Jayne snorted and tossed the dirty diaper in the corner hamper. It would do the girl good to do a little something here and there to help out. That brother of hers indulged her way too much.

 

After he washed his hands, he picked up the baby who’d calmed down and tucked him into the corner of his arm. “Is that bottle done yet?” Jayne asked impatiently.

 

“Yes! I just put it in and it’s all done!”

 

“Really?”

 

“No.”

 

Jayne scowled and bounced the baby a bit when he noticed the kid looking cranky. “Calm down, kid. It’ll be ready when it’s ready. Hey, what’s this kid’s name, anyway?”

 

River looked over and shrugged. “He didn’t tell me.”

 

“Oh, ha ha. He looks like… a Frankie. Li’l Frankie.” He frowned when he heard the girl snort. “What? That’s a good name!”

 

“He isn’t a Frankie. He’s a… Percival.”

 

Jayne’s jaw dropped. She was kidding, right? “Sure, if he wants his ass handed to him on the playground.”

 

“Popularity isn’t everything,” River announced. “I wasn’t popular.”

 

“And look how you turned out,” he muttered. When there was no response, he glanced over at her but her back was to him. Huh. Maybe he’d won this one? He went back to bouncing the kid and chuckled when the little guy cooed approval. When he wasn’t crappin’ himself, the kid was all right.

 

Something tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up to find the prepared bottle an inch from his face. “Oh. Thanks.” He took it and slid the rubber nipple into the baby’s mouth. “Theeeere ya go. Down the hatch.” He laughed again at how hard the kid was sucking away and looked up to make a comment to River but she quickly turned away from him. Not fast enough though. He’d seen her face all red and splotchy. Cry face.

 

Ah, hell.

 

“You’re a healthy eater, aren’t ya, Percival? Got a real sissified name there but once you show all the wiseasses at school what’s what, you’ll be all right.”

 

He didn’t look at River again but he could feel her approval as she left the room.

 

~*~

 

“After ya burp him, he likes his tummy rubbed,” Jayne said, handing Percival’s grandparents the diaper bag. “And he likes the bear song when he falls asleep.”

 

“Bear song?” the grandmother asked, sharing an amused glance with her husband.

 

Jayne nodded, taking the bag back and pulling out a wind-up bear. “You turn this key here all the way and it plays a song. He usually falls asleep in the middle, then ya gotta be perfectly quiet for ten minutes or he’ll wake up again all fussy and you won’t be able to put him down again.”

 

Kaylee murmured to Mal, “I bet he wishes ya never found the family.”

 

“Good thing we did because much as I like Percival, the ship’s no place for him.” Mal raised his voice. “Jayne? I think the Reistads know how to take care of babies.”

 

“Every baby’s different, Mal,” Jayne said indignantly.

 

“And little Percival is certainly a special snowflake. But we gotta get goin’ so we can find another job. Remember before you became all fuzzy wuzzy that you liked money?”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Jayne shook the little baby’s hand. “Well, take care, Percy. Be seein’ ya.”

 

The crew boarded _Serenity_ and the Reistads continued to wave goodbye. “Percival’s kind of a nice name, ain’t it?” Mrs. Reistad remarked.

 

Mr. Reistad raised his eyebrows. “Thought we were namin’ him Jake after his pa?”

 

“We are. But he needs a middle name, after all.”

 

~*~

 

Jayne sat on his weight bench , not doing anything but thinking. He almost missed the girl walking through the room.

 

“There’ll be other babies,” she said gently as she passed by.

 

“Yeah?” He raised his head, frowning at her. “When?”

 

River shrugged gracefully, still walking. “Someday.”

 

Jayne watched her go and tilted his head to the side, considering.

 

THE END


End file.
